Ma’am/Sir…A Thing of the Past?
Ma’am/Sir…A Thing of the Past?
So what’s with the dropping of “ma’am” and “sir” from kids’ vocabularies in the last few years?
It was again brought to my attention in a movie that I was watching yesterday how grownups nowadays allow — no, insist — that kids call them by their first names rather than address them properly and with respect. And I notice that it’s most often moms that do this, as in, “Oh, no, call me (Marge)!” However, dads do slip with the occassional <glancing over shoulder>, “Who is Mr. (So-and-So)? That’s my father! Call me (Dave).” Poor kids, we’re confusing them.
Having the next generation drop the terms of respect is a careless mistake and, I guess, a latent rebel action, a sneer, if you will, at our own parents whom some figure that we must have outsmarted in the child psychology department. (Spock was a humanist.) For one thing, those children with whom my kids have hung out since they were toddlers still have the same noses that I wiped for them when their mothers were not around, and the same little tummies that I fed. They still seem to have their little Kool-Aid mustaches. That shaggy boy who bagged my groceries today has no idea that I have watched him grow up alongside my daughter since second grade (and he did remember the “ma’am,” so kudos to him). And I know the young lady who shot the finger today at another motorist on the road…and I know her mother, even though I won’t say a word because she has otherwise always seemed like a nice kid. She caught sight of me before she sped by, and I’m sure she thought twice about what she had done. In other words, that grown-up whom you respect today may be the same adult that has shown you countless mercies in your childhood, many while you were unaware.
Hey, young’un, addressing an adult with respect is a show of respect. You can call me by my first name when you pass 30, but I’ll still think that you’re an odd one for doing it. Actually, I’ll still think you’re a cute kid for trying it…and a petulant toot if you try it again.
Now, when did I start doing that thing right there? You know, the middle-aged lady who started using terms like “sweetie” and “hun” on the younger set? Well, I noticed those endearing terms starting to sidle out the side of my mouth about the time that I got my first gray hairs. As in:
Young’un: Where would you like me to put these, ma’am?
Me:
Oh, you can just throw them over there, sweetie.
Old age happens…gradually. But I’ve earned it. Now, had that child not started it, I wouldn’t have endeared her, but she said it first. When did I become a ma’am to stranger kids? I think that it was around 30. Sure, it hit me like a slap in the face, sobered me to the items in my cart like anti-aging eye cream and hair color. But by the time I got home, I thought this was kind of cool. This verbal barter system was kind of fun. You address me with respect, and I’ll address you back like a universal mom. I’ll feel wise and revered, and you’ll remember that you’re a precious treasure. LOL
I’ve never understood an adult who prefers being addressed by her first name by a minor rather than with ”sir” or “ma’am” any more than a lady who sneers when gentlemen open doors for her. (Don’t get me started on this subject.) It’s common courtesy and should be encouraged.
My daughter actually had our neighbor correct her, in front of me, once, telling me, “Annemarie calls me ‘ma’am.’ That is crazy. I’m only 28. I could be her sister.” Um, no, because that would make me your mother, I thought. Don’t delude yourself, darlin’. Because I am polite, I uttered not a word, but I remember even my 10 year-old looking at me as if to say, “What the…?” But because she was polite, she also uttered not a word in protest. I remember this neighbor being vexed everytime my daughter would address her as “ma’am” and with every refusal to say the lady’s first name. Inside, I beamed with pride at my kid’s refusal to desert the rules of her upbringing. And these grown-ups think that we’re raising parrots or robots while we’re actually raising some pretty obstinate little self-thinkers, though they rebel in the right direction.
And, grown-ups, there are better ways to hold onto your youth than having a kid treat you as a fellow kid. For those of you who are attempting self-deprecation as a covert tactic for continuing to pass as “cool,” note: we adults are forever banished from the Realm of Coolness. It’s a painful but still a fact. The only adults who were permitted to remain are aging rockstars and far-left liberal college profs. The rest of us may pass on to the death that is adulthood.
Back to my neighbor — this same mom a few years later was always yelling, yelling around her house at her kids. I didn’t look down on her, though. She had a lot to learn. True, she wasn’t young enough to actually be my daughter, but she was still a young’un. 
See, as I told her later, that insistence reminds our kids that certain things are unacceptable, others praiseworthy, and we, the adults, are the keepers of those standards.
I’ve also recently discovered that it’s a Southern thing. Well, call me proud to be a Southerner, then. When I was growing up here in Texas, an adult would have looked at me like I was Eddie Haskell had I addressed him or her by the first name. And I would have shuddered had a parent suggested even once that I call him or her on a first-name basis. I needed that bold, black line to separate our generations and to remind me that I hadn’t yet arrived where they had already been. I needed that assurance that there was a kind of council of ma’ams and sirs that I could look up to or go to for advice, and who would benignly, with their mere presence as my parents’ allies, keep me on the right paths with a simple smile or glare. As I look back now, those little nuances had a huge impact on my upbringing. And had one of them even once suggested that I call them anything other than “Mr.” or “Mrs.,” “ma’am,” or “sir,” I would have questioned their credibility as an adult.
But I am told that I am nuts to think this way. The funny thing is…it’s coming from the adults, not the kids. Actually, I think that the kids prefer the terms of respect because, again, it keeps those boundaries clear — you know, separating the cool from the uncool, the will-bes from the has-beens.
Ask anyone raised in Texas, who is now 40 or older. Our parents, teachers, Sunday school teachers would have given our mothers an earful had we forgotten our place with them. And I loved that, even then. It reminded me that I was surrounded by a protective circle of adults who looked out for me. And, again, it also kept fresh in mind that my parents and those adults in my life had a bond with each other that kept me fenced in while young and safe in society. I hope that makes sense.
I have forced my kids to keep this tradition alive, even with our more liberal friends today. I notice that it is a fountain of favor in many cases. Case in point - being pulled aside on numerous occasions by impressed teachers and people that I consider better parents alike demanding to know our parenting secrets for having such good kids. That warms a parent’s heart like nothing else. Who wouldn’t want that extra little amount of favor from strangers and acquaintances alike for their kids? Here is the secret. Ma’am and sir, and all terms of respect are like extending a verbal handshake, and adults’ reactions to those terms can be like are like warm honey on an otherwise gravelly and rough opinion toward youth. I want my children to be diplomats of their generation, to restore faith in youth of today. Though it sounds somewhat lofty a goal for gangly teenager and awkward kid to reach, it’s really not. It starts with simple and respectful acknowledgement.
And we wonder why our schools have lost so much of students’ respect in the classrooms? Instead of “ma’am/sir-ing” it, because of swelling class size and parents’ refusal to back the teachers in many cases, teachers and administrators don’t have a prayer. But, hey, at least teachers aren’t going by first names in the lower grades yet. And by the way, my kids understand inherently that with the “ma’am/sir” rule, that pretty much means that we will come down on the side of school officials in most every case, save a gross impropriety on the adult’s part.
I also notice that our teenager now refuses to address us at home after countless reminders. We go ’round and ’round in trying to keep this habit enforced, but it’s often a losing battle…though we will continue to wage it. And the other adults that don’t enforce it make it harder on us because she thinks that her dad and I are unrealistic and are just out to pick on her. If she could only see how important that constant “ma’am” and “sir” are, even around the house, not just in public, then she would understand. But I sometimes dread to think that this courtesy could die out with our generation.
To this day, I still use the “ma’am” and “sir,” and even the answer of “yeah” or “naw” as a kind of litmus test with my children’s friends, whether I think they are a good influence or not. I’ll have you know that litmus test is pretty darn reliable. Just the mention of “Mrs. G” or “ma’am” can infuse a soft light and cherubic glow around even a teenager’s face. It doesn’t take a genius to know that the ones who address me and other adults with respect and care are the ones who actually care what I think. And if a kid doesn’t, then I keep a close eye on her/him. And so many grown-ups think that teenagers are bad? I’ll bet that a lot of them are the ones that are being called by first name, at their suggestion. LOL They would be surprised to find that just about every kid with whom I come in contact still seems to care a little about what I think of them. I think they’re actualy pretty cool for continuing the “ma’am/sir” tradition where it’s probably not even much enforced by society anymore and is even often discouraged.
Still, ask a teacher…she’ll tell you. Those are the people who really see firsthand the effects on society that little habits like this hold.
I still use terms of respect with my elders today, many just a decade older than I or whom I don’t know personally. Most of the time, it’s out of respect. But I have to admit that it is often to keep that thick, black line still visible, as in, “Yep, I’m getting up there, but you’re still older…ha-ha!” LOL
Really, though…we’ve got to keep these niceties alive. Without them, I think that our kids are confused.
See related post: Dear Galvanized: Ma’am versus Miss
I can understand what you’re saying but I have to disagree with you. A friend and I have discussed this before because she insists on her kids saying Miss or Mr. before everyone’s name (first name that is) and here is my take on this - it’s not a sign of disrespect if you are following the wishes of the person. I do not wish to be called Mrs. ___ nor do I wish to be called ma’am. I don’t have anything against it and - you are right - if it’s what the person expects or requests then that’s how they should be addressed; but I would rather be addressed by my first name - even by my kids friends - than a title. In fact, I would go so far as to say that if someone asks to be called by their first name and they are refused then THAT is disprespectful because it’s simply ignoring what that person has requested. I have some family that lived in Texas for a long time and you are absolutely correct in saying it’s more of a southern thing. (In fact, we have had conversations similar to your post!) This hasn’t been the case in any place that I have lived though. Some people will use the titles and some will not and it’s not really looked at as being disrespectful to use an adult’s first name. I think it’s a great topic for discussion though! Great post!
I really appreciate your comment! It is interesting how people’s opinions differ on this topic, and I do enjoy discussions on it, too. Thanks for reading this very long post! LOL Check in from time to time.
I’m with you on parts of this.
I do live in Texas but wasn’t raised here. To me, ma’am or sir was something you called somebody that you were intimidated by, and I couldn’t understand why my Texan husband wanted our kids to use these terms. It made me feel old and ugly when people said them to me. I’m used to it now, and our daughter, who is three, does pretty well at remembering to use them. I will admit, it sounds normal to me now and kind of nice.
We don’t do Mr. or Mrs. with a last name though. Most people we know are either Mr./Mrs. plus first name, or else Aunt/Uncle if we’re close to them. I like the title for respect, but to me the last name is too formal.
Actually, we are with you on the ma’am/sir along with the first name. That’s what my kids mostly call their friends’ parents, is Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Tom, etcetera. I am cool with that, and it does have that familarity and comfortablity whereas the last name doesn’t. I totally agree.
As an English man and a father of two lazy and occassionally foul-mouthed teenage boys I despair at the falling standards in manners amongst the young but I have to shoulder some (most) of the blame as I have obviously taken my eye of the ball and failed to notice and correct my son’s behaviour when the “what” instead of “pardon” first reared it’s ugly head and the “yeah” instead of “yes” first appeared.
One accustaion I would level at my wife is she seemed to think that as the children were younger than her she did not have to give them respect and the common courtesies would go out of the window and as such I sometimes feel I am fighting against three ‘opponents’.
In England on the whole it is very unusal (if it occurs at all nowadays) for our son’s to call their fathers ’sir’ but I sometimes wish we followed the American ‘model’ of insisting on teaching good manners as soon as the kids can talk. I was quite polite as a boy, always addressing my friend’s parents as ‘Mr’ and ‘Mrs’ and would not dream of doing otherwise.
I would be genuinely thrilled if a child addressed me as ’sir’ unprompted but at the same time as it is so unusual over here I would feel slightly uneasy and in public such an ‘outburst’ of good manners would attract puzzled looks and the assumption that I was probably that childs teacher.
I still introduce myself to my son’s friends by my first name. If my son’s ever called me ’sir’ (my eldest did twice years ago but probably forgot where he was) I could live with it but members of the family would assume I was being a tyrant and demanding respect.
Some time ago I stumbled on an interview with a young American boy on a local radio station and the boy addressed the interviewer as ’sir’ throughout. I thought that was amazing.
My boys have been told that if they give respect they will get it back in terms of trust from their elders. I get annoyed with my 13 year old son who admittedly is very shy outside the home but he has a habit of talking to his shoes and mumbling when in converstaion with his elders. I still have to prompt him to say ‘thank you’ and ‘pardon’ even now, never mind calling his elders ’sir’.
If only I could turn the clock back and start again.
Phil, don’t be too hard on yourself. Actually, my husband was always the REAL stickler about this rule. And I am also guilty of the same thing you mentioned — allowing the “yeahs” and allowing our oldest to slide on the “ma’am” when she hit about 12 or so. MISTAKE. My hubby would insist on it, and I would tell him it wasn’t worth demanding it, thinking she would correct herself with time — WRONG. I am much stricter on my younger three, and it’s paid off. It’s not to say my oldest isn’t a good kid — and she will usually use the rules with adults outside the home — but it would be nice to see it around here. So, in short, I’m with you. It’s a hard thing to stay consistent about.
Thanks for the comment!
Great aricle, with great informayion - thanks! However, although I can see it from your point of view, I must say I disagree with the idea of having a law telling children how to address adults! If they are asked to address someone as ‘Ma’am’ or ‘Sir’ then they definately should. However, if they are forced to do it with everybody, and punished for forgetting, their addressing people as ‘Ma’am’ or ‘Sir’ will show respect for the rules, not for the adults themselves!
I agree. I require my kids to answer all adults with yes sir, yes maam, no sir or no maam. There are no acceptions to this rule. I require every sentence to end with an appropriate sir or maam as well. My boys have impeccible manners and they always show respect.
While a little late to this particular party, I felt like I should leave a short post myself. I’m a nineteen year old guy who has spent his whole life in Small Town, Florida. While not exactly ‘the South’, I was raised on ‘ma’am’ and ’sir’ as the proper way to address not just an adult, but anyone save close friends. When answering a question, be it from a teacher, a police officer, or the girl working the counter at the Quick-E-Mart it’s always ‘Yes ma’am/sir’, and never ‘Yeah’. My parents made sure that respect was an important factor in my unbringing, and while addressing them as mom and dad was perfectly fine, answering ‘yeah’, or ’sure’ always got a gentle ‘Yes ma’am/sir’ reminder, and now it’s second nature. When I was younger and an adult would give me that ‘Mr. Blank? Nah, that was my dad, I’m Blank’ the response I always gave was, ‘Yes sir’ and a grin that silently asked ‘Are you crazy? My parents would skin me alive’. It’s one of those little things that good parents teach you when you’re young that will actually serve you well for the rest of your life. I think it’s sad the surprised look I see on peoples faces when I show them the least bit of respect — Of course, that has worked against me on more than one occasion while meeting a girls parents. I had one father give me a look the first time I called him sir, that said ‘What a slimy little brown noser..’. You can be assured that when I have children, ma’am and sir will be just as much a part of their vocabulary as please and thank you, because they’re just as important, and without one the other has a rather hollow ring.
Thank you for that splendid comment, Charlie! That’s exactly the way that I feel about these rules of respect. Well said!
I am fine with children calling me ma’am if they must or miss lyn, but I don’t like it when adults ma’am me. I am not old enough to even have grown children so I’m no elder to an adult. If you’re over 21 you have no business calling me that. One guy of 25 kept insisting on calling me ma’am even though we were introduced on a first name basis and he’s the boyfriend of my cousin. WTF? I may be older than him, but I’m not exactly ready for the nursing home. I was thinking what are you? 16? Ma’am offends a lot of women because it is used a lot of times to identify by age. People do a calculus in their head, well she looks about 35 she must be a ma’am or well she is 25 she’s a miss. It’s stupid. Men are always sir no matter how old. It should be the same with women. Either EVERY ONE is a ma’am or EVERY ONE is a ms.
wHY THE HELL WOULD I WANNA BE CALLED “MA’M” I look so old if some idiot called me that, I prefer miss
It’s clear that somewhere along the line people began to interpret “ma’am” as an ageist insult. Many of us don’t see it that way. Idiot? C’mon heys! What offends me is getting a “hey” from someone. “Ma’am” or “miss” is a polite way of addressing a grown woman when one doesn’t know her name or wishes to show respect. How did this term get such a bad rap? It’s etiquette, folks. But you can go ahead and use a “miss,” too, if you’re afraid of offending a woman. But, in all honesty, she’s just being patronized with that term if she has kids with her or is married. And now I see why etiquette is being abandoned in our culture. A woman should appreciate general respect when it is offered. I’m starting to understand why men are so reluctant to give it anymore. I welcome it.
I’m okay with KIDS calling me ma’am if they must. And I mean actual kids. No one over 21 that I know should be ma’aming me. (I’m 43 btw). Actually KIDS can do me one better and call me Ms. because it seems that young adults have turned ma’am into a code word for washed up old lady, and I’m hardly that. Besides all men are Sir regardless of marital status or age. I’d like to see that for women too. We don’t need to be categorized into old/young married/not married, etc. It’s offending. That’s why Ms. works best for women of all ages. But I do agree with children and adolescents showing respect to adults with a proper honorific.
Of course everyone should call aquaintences ma’am and sir, it is a sign of civility, formality, and public life. It shows that you are a responsible civic individual. These are precisely the attributes that have been evaporating in the United States due to cultural decline and postmodernism.
Charlie,
I’m a 47 year old mother of three children–Boys 20 and 18, and a girl 14. I am thrilled to know there are other parents who have insisted on the use of ma’am and sir, and that I’m not the only one. (Please give my sincerest regards to your parents!) I work at a high school in Texas, and I still cringe when I hear students answer me with yeah, yep, or worse–”uh-huh” I find myself fighting the urge to say, “Excuse me?” (I actually have done that a few times, only to hear a louder “yeah.” —–I’m guessing your parents are the type that would want me to correct you if you didn’t answer me with a polite “yes or no ma’am”—am I correct? Adults–especially the elderly– are forever telling me that my children are sooooo polite. My response? “Why thank you, sir/ma’am. But really, you don’t need to tell me when my children show you respect. Just so long as you promise me you’ll tell me when they don’t.” And I’m very serious about that. Consequently, I never hear about my children being disrespectful to adults. Its just a standard that my husband and I have always expected. Charlie—please promise me you’ll keep up your good manners, and stay with your plan of teaching those manners to the next generation. OK?
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Oh my goodness….I just moved to the deep south from the Northeast and am mortified that my children are being forced in school to refer to their teachers as ma’am or sir. It is definitely a southern thing and the use of the word ma’am or sir in other parts fot the country makes many people…..cringe. It is a way of saying to the child, I am a queen….show me respect. It is making the child feel subservient. My kids, who use to have great respect for their teachers in our home state, now have NO respect for them because they feel like the teachers in their lives now are basically, saying, “Bow down to me.” We are actually considering moving away from the south because we feel this situation is so unhealthy for our children. My kids are by the way, some of the most well-behaved, sweet children. Teachers have always loved them. Their southern teachers have written things on their report cards like, “A joy to have in my class.” Using the words sir and ma’am have made my kids go from feeling good about adults….to feeling bad about them. I think it’s fine to use ma’am and sir if it’s something a child wants to do and it’s something his/her parents have taught them. However, FORCING them to use it? No, that’s just wrong. My kids could actually get punished at school for not using it. I do not need my children kissing up to me in order to feel that they are respecting me.
Carol, wow, it sounds like your children have been traumatized by more than just Southern diction. Maybe it’s possibly as much due to the move itself and other cultural differences, or the change in general, which would be quite different coming from the Northeast to the deep South, I have no doubt! To consider moving solely because of the requirement to use “sir” and “ma’am” sounds a little over the top. I’m guess that I’m more wondering what school district that your kids are in that the rule is actually enforced in the classroom. Is that a public school? It has to be private, in which case there are plenty that don’t require this practice of addressing adults with “sir” and “ma’am.”
Really, though, I am sorry that your children are unhappy there. Kids should be comfortable in their learning environments. And I thank you for your comment. I am fascinated by this controversial topic because there are people who feel strongly on both sides. I hope your kids’ situation improves and you feel at home wherever your family is. Hopefully, if a move isn’t possible right now, Southern lifestyle will grow on you; and, if not, maybe you can rub off on them.